{"course":{"slug":"prompting","title":"Getting Real Work out of a Model","url":"https://addaly.com/learn/prompting","level":"beginner","track":"start"},"lesson":{"slug":"the-message-you-do-not-want-to-write","title":"The message you have been putting off","url":"https://addaly.com/learn/prompting/the-message-you-do-not-want-to-write","position":65,"of":72,"minutes":9,"answer":"State the relationship's future, the dated history, the precise outcome you want and what you will not do; then ask how the recipient will read it before you send.","keyIdea":"State the relationship's future, the dated history, the precise outcome you want and what you will not do; then ask how the recipient will read it before you send."},"body":{"format":"markdown","text":"## Why these are hard, and where the tool actually helps\n\nChasing an unpaid invoice. Telling a client the deadline has moved. Saying no to your manager. Complaining about a service. Apologising for something that was your fault.\n\nThese are hard for two reasons: you do not know what tone will get the outcome, and you are writing while annoyed, anxious or embarrassed. The model helps with the first and (more usefully) sits between you and the second.\n\n## The prompt shape for a difficult message\n\nSix things, and the third is the one people leave out.\n\n1. **The relationship and its future.** \"This supplier has been reliable for four years and I need them next month\" produces an entirely different message from \"we are ending this contract regardless\".\n2. **The history, with dates.** What was agreed, when, what happened, what you have already said.\n3. **The outcome you want, precisely.** Not \"sort this out\": *a plumber on site within seven days*, *payment of the March invoice by Friday*, *an acknowledgement that this was their error*. Most difficult messages fail because the sender never stated what would resolve it.\n4. **What you will not do.** No legal threats yet. Not going to mention the personal remark. Not offering a discount.\n5. **The tone, in mechanics.** \"Firm, not hostile. No apology for asking. No exclamation marks. Do not open with pleasantries.\"\n6. **The shape.** Ready to send. No preamble to me.\n\nWorked:\n\n> Write an email to a client who has not paid an invoice for 340,000 KES, due 14 August, now 23 days late. I have sent two reminders (20 and 28 August) and had no reply. I want to keep this client: they give us about a third of our work. I want payment by 12 September or a call to agree a plan. Do not threaten legal action or interest. Firm, not apologetic, no pleasantries at the start. Under 150 words. Give me only the email.\n\n## Two moves that improve the outcome, not just the prose\n\n**Ask for the recipient's reading.**\n\n> Before writing: how might the recipient read this, given the history? What could they take offence at? What would they most likely reply?\n\nThis is the closest thing to a rehearsal you can get in thirty seconds. It regularly catches the sentence that would have started a fight.\n\n**Ask for the version you should not send.**\n\n> Also write the version I would send if I were angry, so I can see what I am avoiding.\n\nThis sounds frivolous and is not. Seeing the angry version once removes some of its pull, and it occasionally contains the one true sentence that belongs, in a milder form, in the real message.\n\n## Apologies, which have their own rules\n\nAn apology that hedges is worse than none. The mechanics:\n\n> Apologise for [specific thing]. Do not use \"if\" or \"any inconvenience\". Do not explain why it happened until after the apology. State what we are doing about it and by when. Under 100 words. Do not ask them to understand our position.\n\n\"Sorry if you were affected\" is the construction that turns an apology into an insult, and banning it explicitly works better than asking for sincerity.\n\n## The line you should not cross\n\nComplaints, negotiations and disputes are fine. What should stay yours: anything where the message's value depends on a person having written it: condolence, personal thanks, a reference for somebody you know, an apology to somebody close to you.\n\nThere is also a practical version of this. If a relationship matters, a message that reads as generated damages it, and readers are getting better at noticing. The safest test is whether you would be comfortable if the recipient knew how it was written. If not, write it yourself.\n\n## Read it once as them\n\nBefore sending, read it as the recipient, on a bad day, in a hurry. That single pass catches nearly everything: the sentence that reads as blame, the ask buried in paragraph three, the deadline that sounds like an ultimatum.\n\n## Saying no, which has its own shape\n\nRefusals fail in a predictable way: they explain at length, which invites negotiation, and they hedge, which invites a second ask.\n\n> Decline this request. One sentence of reason, no more. No apology for the decision itself. Offer one alternative if there is a real one; do not invent one. Do not say \"unfortunately\". Do not leave the door open unless I say to.\n\nThe instruction not to leave the door open is the one people forget, and it is why so many declined requests come back a fortnight later."},"check":{"question":"Which element is most often missing from a difficult message, and most likely to leave it unresolved?","options":[{"text":"A clear statement of how the sender feels about the situation.","correct":false,"tempting":"Feelings usually get expressed; they are rarely the missing ingredient in an unresolved exchange."},{"text":"A polite opening that acknowledges the relationship.","correct":false,"tempting":"Pleasantries are common and their absence rarely causes the failure described."},{"text":"A precise statement of what outcome would resolve it, with a date.","correct":true},{"text":"An explanation of the consequences if nothing changes.","correct":false,"tempting":"Sometimes appropriate, and often escalatory; without a stated resolution it gives the reader nothing to do."}]},"prev":{"slug":"drafting-in-your-own-words","title":"Drafting without losing the thing that was yours","url":"https://addaly.com/learn/prompting/drafting-in-your-own-words"},"next":{"slug":"reading-a-long-document","title":"Getting through a long document properly","url":"https://addaly.com/learn/prompting/reading-a-long-document"},"authorship":"Founder and series editor: Dr Mustafa Mun. Written by AI models to a written standard. Exam keys checked blind by a second model: 3,665 of 3,666 agreed. Academic review invited.","review":{"status":"Draft, open for academic review"},"cite":"Addaly (2026) 'The message you have been putting off', in Getting Real Work out of a Model. Edited by M. Mun. Addaly. Available at: https://addaly.com/learn/prompting/the-message-you-do-not-want-to-write (Accessed: 13 October 2026).","licence":{"name":"CC BY-NC-SA 4.0","url":"https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/4.0/"},"reader":{"schema":1,"title":"The message you have been putting off","courseTitle":"Getting Real Work out of a Model","module":{"index":8,"slug":"the-work-you-actually-have","title":"The work you actually have"},"answer":null,"keyIdea":"State the relationship’s future, the dated history, the precise outcome you want and what you will not do; then ask how the recipient will read it before you send.","hero":{"kind":"plate","image":null,"alt":null,"caption":null},"blocks":[{"t":"h2","id":"why-these-are-hard-and-where-the-tool-actually-helps","runs":[{"text":"Why these are hard, and where the tool actually helps"}]},{"t":"p","runs":[{"text":"Chasing an unpaid invoice. Telling a client the deadline has moved. Saying no to your manager. Complaining about a service. Apologising for something that was your fault."}]},{"t":"p","runs":[{"text":"These are hard for two reasons: you do not know what tone will get the outcome, and you are writing while annoyed, anxious or embarrassed. The model helps with the first and (more usefully) sits between you and the second."}]},{"t":"h2","id":"the-prompt-shape-for-a-difficult-message","runs":[{"text":"The prompt shape for a difficult message"}]},{"t":"p","runs":[{"text":"Six things, and the third is the one people leave out."}]},{"t":"ol","start":1,"items":[[{"text":"The relationship and its future.","b":true},{"text":" “This supplier has been reliable for four years and I need them next month” produces an entirely different message from “we are ending this contract regardless”."}],[{"text":"The history, with dates.","b":true},{"text":" What was agreed, when, what happened, what you have already said."}],[{"text":"The outcome you want, precisely.","b":true},{"text":" Not “sort this out”: "},{"text":"a plumber on site within seven days","i":true},{"text":", "},{"text":"payment of the March invoice by Friday","i":true},{"text":", "},{"text":"an acknowledgement that this was their error","i":true},{"text":". Most difficult messages fail because the sender never stated what would resolve it."}],[{"text":"What you will not do.","b":true},{"text":" No legal threats yet. Not going to mention the personal remark. Not offering a discount."}],[{"text":"The tone, in mechanics.","b":true},{"text":" “Firm, not hostile. No apology for asking. No exclamation marks. Do not open with pleasantries.”"}],[{"text":"The shape.","b":true},{"text":" Ready to send. No preamble to me."}]]},{"t":"p","runs":[{"text":"Worked:"}]},{"t":"quote","runs":[{"text":"Write an email to a client who has not paid an invoice for 340,000 KES, due 14 August, now 23 days late. I have sent two reminders (20 and 28 August) and had no reply. I want to keep this client: they give us about a third of our work. I want payment by 12 September or a call to agree a plan. Do not threaten legal action or interest. Firm, not apologetic, no pleasantries at the start. Under 150 words. Give me only the email."}]},{"t":"h2","id":"two-moves-that-improve-the-outcome-not-just-the-prose","runs":[{"text":"Two moves that improve the outcome, not just the prose"}]},{"t":"p","runs":[{"text":"Ask for the recipient’s reading.","b":true}]},{"t":"quote","runs":[{"text":"Before writing: how might the recipient read this, given the history? What could they take offence at? What would they most likely reply?"}]},{"t":"p","runs":[{"text":"This is the closest thing to a rehearsal you can get in thirty seconds. It regularly catches the sentence that would have started a fight."}]},{"t":"p","runs":[{"text":"Ask for the version you should not send.","b":true}]},{"t":"quote","runs":[{"text":"Also write the version I would send if I were angry, so I can see what I am avoiding."}]},{"t":"p","runs":[{"text":"This sounds frivolous and is not. Seeing the angry version once removes some of its pull, and it occasionally contains the one true sentence that belongs, in a milder form, in the real message."}]},{"t":"h2","id":"apologies-which-have-their-own-rules","runs":[{"text":"Apologies, which have their own rules"}]},{"t":"p","runs":[{"text":"An apology that hedges is worse than none. The mechanics:"}]},{"t":"quote","runs":[{"text":"Apologise for [specific thing]. Do not use “if” or “any inconvenience”. Do not explain why it happened until after the apology. State what we are doing about it and by when. Under 100 words. Do not ask them to understand our position."}]},{"t":"p","runs":[{"text":"“Sorry if you were affected” is the construction that turns an apology into an insult, and banning it explicitly works better than asking for sincerity."}]},{"t":"h2","id":"the-line-you-should-not-cross","runs":[{"text":"The line you should not cross"}]},{"t":"p","runs":[{"text":"Complaints, negotiations and disputes are fine. What should stay yours: anything where the message’s value depends on a person having written it: condolence, personal thanks, a reference for somebody you know, an apology to somebody close to you."}]},{"t":"p","runs":[{"text":"There is also a practical version of this. If a relationship matters, a message that reads as generated damages it, and readers are getting better at noticing. The safest test is whether you would be comfortable if the recipient knew how it was written. If not, write it yourself."}]},{"t":"h2","id":"read-it-once-as-them","runs":[{"text":"Read it once as them"}]},{"t":"p","runs":[{"text":"Before sending, read it as the recipient, on a bad day, in a hurry. That single pass catches nearly everything: the sentence that reads as blame, the ask buried in paragraph three, the deadline that sounds like an ultimatum."}]},{"t":"h2","id":"saying-no-which-has-its-own-shape","runs":[{"text":"Saying no, which has its own shape"}]},{"t":"p","runs":[{"text":"Refusals fail in a predictable way: they explain at length, which invites negotiation, and they hedge, which invites a second ask."}]},{"t":"quote","runs":[{"text":"Decline this request. One sentence of reason, no more. No apology for the decision itself. Offer one alternative if there is a real one; do not invent one. Do not say “unfortunately”. Do not leave the door open unless I say to."}]},{"t":"p","runs":[{"text":"The instruction not to leave the door open is the one people forget, and it is why so many declined requests come back a fortnight later."}]}],"check":{"question":[{"text":"Which element is most often missing from a difficult message, and most likely to leave it unresolved?"}],"options":[{"text":[{"text":"A clear statement of how the sender feels about the situation."}],"correct":false,"tempting":[{"text":"Feelings usually get expressed; they are rarely the missing ingredient in an unresolved exchange."}]},{"text":[{"text":"A polite opening that acknowledges the relationship."}],"correct":false,"tempting":[{"text":"Pleasantries are common and their absence rarely causes the failure described."}]},{"text":[{"text":"A precise statement of what outcome would resolve it, with a date."}],"correct":true,"tempting":null},{"text":[{"text":"An explanation of the consequences if nothing changes."}],"correct":false,"tempting":[{"text":"Sometimes appropriate, and often escalatory; without a stated resolution it gives the reader nothing to do."}]}],"order":[1,0,2,3],"why":null},"prev":{"slug":"drafting-in-your-own-words","title":"Drafting without losing the thing that was yours","minutes":9},"next":{"slug":"reading-a-long-document","title":"Getting through a long document properly","minutes":9}}}