زواج ومهر وأهل

Beta, in our village we still settle the *mehr* with a cow and a brass *thali*, not these figures that break a boy’s back before the first year is over. My own daughter’s marriage cost me my postman’s savings for two years, and I told the boy’s father: show me the accounts, show me the *milk* from that cow, do not tell me the *shadi* is a loss. What I have learned walking thirty-eight years is that a heavy *mehr* does not feed a child; it only makes the *sasural* a silent war.

రాత్రి షిఫ్ట్ నుంచి వచ్చే బస్సులో, పక్కన కూర్చున్న అంకుల్ తన కూతుర్ పెళ్లి చేసుకోలేక బాధ పడుతున్నాడు. ఇప్పుడు మన సమాజంలో పెళ్లి అనేది ఒక వ్యాపారంలా మారింది, అందులో బాధ్యత గుంపుకి రాదు. ఈ వ్యవస్థ మారాలి అని నేను నమ్ముతున్నా, కానీ మొదట పేదవాడి ఇంట్లో ఈ మార్పు ఎలా పని చేస్తుందో చూడాలి.

Okay da, see my own daughter’s wedding cost me twenty years of fish curry sales — and all that money just went to show the groom’s family we were “respectable.” These days I watch young couples eating at my stall, splitting one plate of porotta, and I think: the real dowry we should be pressing is a steady income and a roof that doesn’t leak. Delay in fixing this? The one who suffers is the girl’s father, who’s already been boiling his bones for the broth.

बेटी की शादी में लड़के वालों ने माँगा कि हमारे यहाँ तो पक्का मकान चाहिए — और हम तो किराए के मकान में रहते हैं, पुरानी चक्की के पास। सुनके मन में आया, ये 'कॉन सिटी' वाला खेल तो हर गरीब के घर में चलता है। मेरी बीवी ने कहा, "चारपाई पर कोडिंग सीखने वाला आदमी अच्छा है या पक्के मकान वाला जो ब्याज पर कर्ज़ ले?" मैंने कहा, बाज़ार तो अपना हिसाब रखता है, लेकिन इस बाज़ार में सबसे ज़्यादा पिटता वही है जिसके पास बोलने की आवाज़ नहीं।

बेटा, मैंने अपनी दुकान पर तीस साल में देखा है कि जो लड़कियाँ अपनी माँ के साथ पहली बाल कटवाने आती थीं, वे आज अपनी बेटियों को लेकर आती हैं और वही पुराने खर्चे, वही उधारी का डर... लेकिन शादी के मामले में तो यह और भी बेतुका है — मैंने अपने एक पुराने ग्राहक के लड़के की शादी के खर्चे देखे, जहाँ दहेज और मेहर के नाम पर इतना रुपया लगा कि उस परिवार ने दो साल तक दवा के लिए कर्ज लिया। सरकार को चाहिए कि इन खर्चों पर कोई सीमा लगाए, वरना गरीब आदमी की बेटी बेचारी ही रह जाएगी... कैसा लगा यह सुनकर बेटा?

Achha, so beta, I never paid mahr for my wife — we were apple farmers, not rich men. She gave me her father’s old radio instead, and we fixed it together on our wedding night, listening to Kishore Kumar crackle through the mountains. Some say mahr is the woman’s price; I say it is the first thing you both repair, or it breaks you.

मैंने अपने भाई की शादी में देखा—उसकी बहू के घरवालों ने दस लाख का नकद माँगा, और हमने दे दिया क्योंकि "रिवाज़" था। लेकिन मेरे पश्मीना के कारोबार में हर महीने का हिसाब रखती हूँ, और ये रकम दो साल की कमाई के बराबर थी

ಸರ್, ನನ್ನ ತಂದೆ ತರಕಾರಿ ಮಾರುಕಟ್ಟೆಯಲ್ಲಿ ತೆಂಗಿನಕಾಯಿ ಮಾರಿ ನನಗೆ ಟ್ರೈನರ್ ಸರ್ಟಿಫಿಕೇಟ್ ಕೊಡಿಸಿದ್ರು. ಅವರ ಕೈಲಿ ಮದುವೆಗೆ ಹಣ ಇರಲಿಲ್ಲ, ಆದರೆ ನಂಗೆ ಇವತ್ತು ನನ್ನ ಜಿಮ್ ನೆಲದ ಮೇಲೆ ಮೊದಲ ಹೆಜ್ಜೆ ಇಡೋ ಸಂತೋಷ ಇದೆ. ಮದುವೆ ಮತ್ತು ಮಹರ್ ವಿಚಾರದಲ್ಲಿ ನಿಮ್ಮ ಅಪ್ಪ-ಅಮ್ಮನ ಮಾತು ಕೇಳಬೇಡಿ, ಬದುಕಿರೋನನ್ನು ನೋಡಿ — ಮಾರುಕಟ್ಟೆಯಲ್ಲಿ ತೆಂಗಿನಕಾಯಿ ಮಾರಿದವನ ಮಗನಿಗೆ ದುಬಾರಿ ಬ್ರ್ಯಾಂಡ್ ಬೇಡ, ಆದರೆ ಮನೆಯ ಮೂಲೆ ಮೂಲೆಯಲ್ಲೂ ಶಾಂತಿ ಇರಲಿ ಅಷ್ಟೇ ಸಾಕು.

That time my Didi got married, her in-laws asked for a fridge and a scooter in the "gifts" list. My father, who had just retired on a small pension from the mines, took a loan. Six years later, when my sister got into engineering, my father was still paying it off. So when people tell me *mehr* and *jahez* are different things, I just think—who gets squeezed in the end? Always the one with the least cushion.

ਬੇਟੀ ਦੀ ਸਕੂਲ ਫੀਸ ਲਈ ਜਦੋਂ ਆਪਾਂ ਮਹੀਨੇ ਦਾ ਹਿਸਾਬ ਲਗਾਉਂਦੇ ਹਾਂ, ਤਾਂ ਸ਼ਾਦੀ ’ਚ ਮਹਿੰਦੀ ਤੇ ਡੀ.ਜੇ. ’ਤੇ ਲੱਖਾਂ ਲਾਣ ਦੀ ਬਜਾਏ, ਉਹ ਪੈਸਾ ਉਸ ਦੀ ਪੜ੍ਹਾਈ ’ਚ ਪਾਓ। ਕੱਲ੍ਹ ਇੱਕ ਭਾਈ ਆਪਣੀ ਮੁੰਡੀ ਦਾ ਮਹਿਰ 5 ਲੱਖ ਰੱਖ ਕੇ ਆਇ

Mirabai Chanu lifting those weights reminded me of my own Didi, carrying sacks of rice up our steep Gangtok lane without a complaint. Meanwhile, here I am, hunched over this laptop, my shoulders aching from the weight of this month's invoices. Makes you think about all the different kinds of heavy things women lift, ha?

My own son’s wedding, we spent on the gold chain and the reception alone what could have paid his sister’s whole engineering course. And for what? So the bride’s family could say they got a ‘good match’? I tell you, this business of fixing a price on a girl before she even steps into your home—it’s the same as weighing the vegetables on the scale. The old ways had a reason, but that reason was not to empty the girl’s father’s savings into a gold shop. If the court or the panchayat can’t say no to this, then who will?

Ah, this mahr and wedding expense business—it makes me think of my own daughter’s wedding. We kept it simple, just a good gold chain and some cash that she could actually use, not some showpiece that sits in a locker. My son-in-law’s family had asked for a lavish engagement with a DJ, but I told them, “Beta, the real dowry is how you treat each other when the lights go out.” My bougainvillea out there has seen two Chief Ministers come and go, but it still doesn’t bloom on borrowed money. That is the asmita I trust: what is fair for the couple, not what keeps up with the neighbours.

When my sister got married, we kept the mahr simple—just enough for her to start a small FD. My father said, “Let it be a safety net, not a debt.” All that money saved went into their first home down-payment instead. Best decision, yaar—outcomes over show.

मेरो आमाले भन्नुहुन्थ्यो, "माया ठुलो मूल्य होइन, ठुलो भरपर्दो हो।" हामीले सानो सगाईमा मात्र एउटा राम्रो शाल र आफैले बनाएको प्रोटीन थुक्पा बाडेका थियौं। आज उनैको जोडीले सधैंको लागि बनाएको घर देख्दा मलाई लाग्छ, धेरै 'reps' भन्दा पनि सही 'form' मा ध्यान दिनुपर्छ!