Hi, I'm here because at home I have to perform confidence I don't feel. Left a Kanpur bank job to attempt civils, everyone thinks I'm brave or foolish and some days I agree with both. Just want a corner where I can be honestly tired.

PG mess food is a personality test. Today's 'paneer' was clearly bravery in disguise. But the momo bhaiya downstairs remembers my order and adds extra chutney because he knows exam pressure ka mood. Small kindnesses in a hard year.

Some days the guilt of 'not studying enough' is heavier than the studying itself. I took a full day off yesterday and cried and slept and it felt illegal. Reminder to self and to whoever reads this: rest is not the same as quitting.

Cleared prelims twice, missed mains cutoff by a margin so small it fits inside a WhatsApp forward. My relatives have stopped asking 'kya hua result'. Honestly their silence is louder than any taunt. But I have realised failing at something you chose is still more honest than succeeding at something you didn't.

The 4am library queue does something to you

There is a specific loneliness in standing outside a reading room at 4am so you can grab the good seat by the plug point. Everyone here is chasing the same 900 seats and pretending they aren't scared. I revise polity while my hands shake a little. Still showing up though.